It is the New Year’s Eve, again. And, the annual spirit of regret visits me, again.
Yes, I know, a time of hope, a New Year’s Eve is. But it is also, for me at least, remind me about the year’s good and unfortunate things. When I say unfortunate things, it could be mistakes, or just things that went bad unintended.
And just like many other common people, I found 2014 decorated with several good things to be grateful of; accompanied by a series of unfortunate events too. Yes, it is common things, because other people have that too.
And yet, it is still not just common things to me, personally. Actually, personally, as much as some achievements I am proud for, these unfortunate things are personally painful to me. I guess, it is a common phenomenon as it happens to everyone, but to each of everyone, it has more significance than just common things.
The cliché is, if I could turn back time, I would have done these things differently. But I know that is just crappy daydream. The ‘turning back time’ part, I mean. But I do wish, on a thousand things, that I could have done differently. I do.
The thing is, I have tried to rectify many things, and tried to do better year by year. But, trying s never enough, right? Many of things I have intended to be good, ended up miserably wrong. These were mostly things I did for the people I care, and when the ended up as disaster; it hurt deeper for all parties.
I have fallen into this again and again, with a bigger pile of regrets on my shoulder every year. It gets heavier and heavier. Honestly, I do not think I have made significant improvement. I try to do better and better, but there are always new unfortunate things that just becoming more volatile and unpredictable like global economy.
I can, and will, keep on trying to do better. But I know, there is no guarantee I will have less to regret on next New Year’s Eve. So, what is left to me on New Year’s Eve?
Only one thing: Can I forgive myself for the thousand things I wish I could have done differently?
This ‘forgiving myself’ business is really a tough business. It really is. But what else do I have? And, the fact that it is difficult thing to do shows that it is not a small and meaningless thing. For people who has not tried their best to do better, they will not feel the pain of regret. But for some of you who have, I am sure you know how painful it is to tried at your best and get rewarded with another disaster. That makes it so difficult to forgive ourselves. The irony is, if I can’t forgive myself, I won’t be able to do better on.
My goodness. It is a damn heavy thing to do, fellows, to forget myself. It felt really heavy. But it seems to be the most important thing to do on New Year’s Eve.
Happy New Year……. from me to each of you, and from each of us to ourselves……